One more, just one more…
I have a recurrent thought at times like these.
One more, it´s just one more…
It´s not working yet.
Not yet, not now.
But the fact is that she´s back.
She came softly, a few days ago.
One almost didn´t notice her.
Insidious, like most of the times.
She´s like that you know?
Sometimes, anyway.
And now, she´s here.
To stay I´m sad to see.
It has been a long time since she did this.
I must say I did not miss her, at all.
Even worst , she´s angry and makes me be all alone.
She knows I hate being alone with her.
And tonight I don´t even get the chance to see Him.
I called for help already but few has arrived.
And no other will come , I know…
So tonight will be one more night.
One more night with her.
The rain.
Pouring…
Even him as abandoned me as well, but not by choice, I know that much.
But the sky tonight is as dark as me, myself and I.
And the night as just began…
To Trust is …
You must trust yourself.
Just trust yourself and never mind the rest.
You won´t lie, deceive, harm yourself.
Others could, would, will if you let them.
So, trust yourself.
All the deeds that you do not do.
All the words that you do not speak.
All the breaths that you do not take.
All those things , you choose not to do, trust yourself.
Often people say or think that your emotions are in your heart.
They´re not you know?
Your heart is a muscle, a part of the all machine that is your body.
An important one , yes but it doesn´t hold your emotions.
They´re in your brain.
Use it.
Don´t be afraid.
Don´t doubt yourself.
Trust yourself.
It doesn´t really matter everything else.
To Trust in yourself is wise.
Not to do that, well, it would be a waste really.
The first Time
Today I was reminded of a first time.
And I started thinking of all the first times that one has in life.
First breath.
First thought.
First taste.
First sight.
First sound.
The list is endless, concerning first times.
And troughout our life time we repeat thousands of moments and gestures and don´t even take a moment to think in the beauty of it all.
Big things, small ones, easy or complicated.
In order for us to be abble to do them , there once was a first time…
The question then is:
Do we do it better now that we know better as well?
Or first times are simply what they are?
One of many to come?
What constitutes a first time?
- The fact that one has never done it?
- Has done it but has no recollection?
- Or just simply we get to decide what our first times are.
Awareness
Such a powerful word.
And yet a small one.
That´s why we should never judge a book by it´s cover.
Not everything is what it seems to be.
Awareness…
I ´m aware that I am not aware, does that count?
I know where I am, what surrounds me, what envolves me, what I can or cannot do, but at the same time I´m not really here.
I am nowhere to be found.
Lost in everything and myself as well.
I lost my identity , my sense of self.
And I fear thar I´ll never get the chance to be me again.
Not me realy. Just another version of me.
One of many.
Awareness is for those that still hold on to whom they are.
Their true selfs.
Not for those who no longer are.
Awareness is a luxury that not everyone can afford….
Older
Older in age?
Older in mind, thoughts?
Are you still the same person that I knew?
Am I still the same person that you knew?
When are we out of time?
I never should have looked back.
Should just kept going, straight, into nothingness.
Into the oblivion.
I forget things.
Well ,not as much as forget but don´t remenber, there´s a difference. Important things.
Events that were crucial in my life…
It´s one of the most painful feelings that one can have.
It´s like a part of my life, a part of me, simply vanished.
My mind is weak to say the least.
I often play with the fact that one day Alzheimers will be with me until the end.
Among other things that the ones who love me don´t find amusing.
Sense of humor is a must.
In everything.
And as time goes by and I´m getting Older I get the feeling that although things were supposed to be easier along the way…They´re just not.
It seemed too easy…
It´s almoust strange really, to think that as I´m getting older, there are things that I have to give up…
I won´t age gracefully but I wished I did.
The all process would be much less excruciating for me.
Time and Time again
After a long long time of being away from something, anything really, one starts to wonder how things should be at that point.
From point A, that we know, to point B, that we do not know, what is unusual?
If the changes that are there, because nothing stays the same, are for the better or for the worse.
You wonder where to start, how to beggin and when or how you´ll finish.
The confidence is no longer there or at least not as strong as it used to be.
Time goes by and it is only natural that insecurity settles in.
Time and Time again you hear that time give us all good things like knowledge, patience, grace, blá, blá, blá…
What we should be told, right from the start is that Time is its own master and does what it well pleases.
We´re here just for the ride, that´s it.
And it costs us , more than we care to see.
